Renee's Funeral Post

From kj: Renee's Book of Love is starting to take shape. It will include our love letters AND many of Renee's posts, her family's favorites, and art & illustrations she loved or were gifts to her from her many blog friends.

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I am going to include some of Renee's posts here so I can keep track of the ones that should be included in her book and keep them safely stored through the courtesy of Blogger.

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I wonder how many of us have gone back to read Renee speaking as Renee? I find it so bittersweet. I haven't yet been able to reread her comments to myself and others, but I know when I do I will hear her voice and feel her presence as if she is right here right now.

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from Renee: Nathan is watching me climb out of a town car limousine at 1:00 on a Friday afternoon. He says ‘Who the heck dropped you off Mom?’ I tell him Lynette from Desjardins (the funeral home). He laughs and says ‘Oh God.’

Anyway, Friday afternoon I spent at Desjardins Funeral Home. I am always fine-tuning my funeral arrangements so that it will be less work for my family when the time comes.

This is my third time going as I went in May last year. I plan on making this an annual event just to fine-tune and also to get use to the place. The first year I went I felt choked, the second year it felt more like business and this year it felt like I was just renegotiating what I want in my living room with an interior decorator.

Although it is Nadalene who originally wanted me to set up my funeral, I really feel now that everyone should do it and honestly it is just something that needs to be done.

The funny thing is that the more I go and the more I know, the more I realize I can more or less do what I want. I also feel that at the time of my death Lynette will see me as a person not just a body.

I will share with you what went down this year.

Lynette and I go over all the details of what I want and switch up a few little things here and there. I tell her that I have bought a cemetery plot at St. Boniface Catholic Cemetery on Archibald and give her all the details. Tell her that I have also prepaid for the opening and closing of the plot.

We talk a little more about the urns and I tell her I want to check out the new ones they have this year as I am looking more for a box type.

We go down to the casket room again and I honestly don’t know why they have the caskets so crowded in that room. They are jam-packed with their quilted lining that gives me the creeps. I ask her if they have samples of the cardboard box that I want for cremation and she says no, just the wooden one for $740. The one I want is $15 and she tells me that it just is really a long cardboard box that looks similar to what a fridge would come in. I ask her if it has Kenmore stamped on the side and we both laugh.

The first year I thought I would want a niche in the wall and was told I couldn’t have a wooden urn because they dissolve and the cemetery doesn’t allow that. Last year I thought I would want a bio-degradable urn, but this year I decided against the bio-degradable as it looks like a white cotton cardboard box that you would take leftovers in from a restaurant and I don’t want that sitting in the church. It looks cheap when really it is more expensive than the wooden urns. I did like one wooden urn but am thinking I want to talk to the cemetery place and see if I just can’t have a nice wooden box that isn’t $500. I prefer what Karin made for her companion Zach.

I really like the idea of dust to dust; ashes to ashes.

I am only there for about an hour.

Costs of a funeral:

Arrangements: $840 (2007); $940 (2008 and 2009)

Transfer of body from hospital: $215 (2007); $265 (2008 and 2009)

Staff (four people): $495 (2007, 2008, and 2009)

Preparation for identification: $220 (2007 and 2008); $395 (2009). I ask why such a big hike and the answer was so lame that I don’t even remember it.

Basic facility: $295 (2007); $195 (2008 and 2009)

Cremation fee: $460 (2007); $485 (2008); $495 (2009)

Lead car (for priest, flowers, urn, etc): $125 (2007, 2008, 2009)

Limousine for family: $225 (2007, 2008, 2009)

Casket for cremation: $760 pressed board (2007); $15 for cardboard (2008 and 2009)

Urn: $760 for pewter (2007); $435 for bio-degradable (2008); $415 for wooden urn (2009)

*Memorial cards: $1.75 per card (2007 and 2008); $2.00 per card (2009) $600

Guest book, 50 thank you cards, and crucifix: $195 now no longer want from Desjardins and will buy on our own.

Luncheon sandwiches: $10 per person ($3,000) now no longer want from Desjardins, Mickey will get from that place in Steinbach.

Luncheon tea and coffee: $1.50 per person then $1.75 per person ($425) now no longer want from Desjardins, Mickey will get from that place in Steinbach.

Two hostesses: $250 now no longer want from Desjardins, Mickey will get from that place in Steinbach.

*Based on 300 people.

The funeral based on around 300 people attending would be about $4,165. Not including taxes, church costs, priest, death certificates, food and catering, other papers needed or cemetery costs.

After the meeting I ask Lynette to use the phone and she asks me if I am phoning to be picked up. When I tell her yes, she tells me she is going right by my place and can drop me off.

Just before exiting she tells me how great it is to see me again and how she is happy when she sees me. I tell her that I like to see her too, but hopefully if I see her before next year it will be socially and not business.

Some things I still know for sure:

Do not want to die at home.
Cremation cardboard box of $15 (do not upgrade this).
No public viewing.
Full Catholic Mass at Holy Family Church (incense and holy water).

I wrote this a week before Sheldon died; little did I know that I would be seeing Lynette again nine days later with Ben and Jennifer.

From Ribbon (Robyn)

Renee had the wonderful ability to make you laugh and cry all in the same moment.

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I found her wisdom and wit irresistible. I don't believe that you could meet Renee and not love her.
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I had no knowledge of the depth of relationships possible via a blog prior to meeting Renee's community. Renee offered the trust and kindness found in true friendships to everyone she met, which was admirable and pioneered the way for many friendships to come.
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I miss Renee, and I will never forget her.
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much love
Ribbon~Robyn

From Yoborobo (Pam Smallcomb)

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The funny thing is, I don’t remember how I found Renee’s blog, but I did. I like to think that perhaps a Higher Power directed me there. Some force in the Universe knew I needed to meet this special person, and to read her words. And so, luckily, find her I did. I remember reading her current post at the time, and then I found myself reading over her old posts. In no time at all I fell in love with this smart and funny person. How could you not fall in love with her?
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And so I followed her blog, and every time she posted, I scurried over to see what she had to say. Finally, after lurking for a good long while, I summoned up my courage and posted a comment.

.Renee visited my blog and commented, and a friendship was born. I once emailed to Renee that it was strange that I could miss her so much, seeing as how I had never actually met her. She told me that maybe we had never met in person before, but our hearts had. I love that. It is something I think about now that Renee has left us. Those who have loved her have joined hearts with her, and it will always be so.
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I wrote this on my blog to Renee at Christmas:
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“There is one friend who has, without a doubt, changed me forever. If I could bottle up the essence of Renee, it would have to include these things: unfailing courage, kindness beyond measure, a wicked sense of humor, intelligence, and above all things, a love of family and friends.
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Because of Renee, I have remembered to hold these things high in my heart, and to forget the other million things I obsess over (my weight being one :). Because of Renee, I have met other amazing people who have renewed my faith in humanity.
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So thank you, dear Renee. I wish you a Merry Christmas (free from any bats). I wish you a day surrounded by your loving family: good smells wafting in from the kitchen, old songs and memories floating on the air, happy chatter filling the rooms, your family near and your grandkids underfoot. Thank you so much for the gift of your friendship.”
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Renee wrote:
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“You darling friend. How I love you. What can I say, I am the one who is blessed, I am the one that found you.
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Thank you dear friend.”
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That was Renee. You got back two-fold from her, always. You knew you were a part of her heart. You could feel it, just like you can reach down and feel your arm or your leg. That in and of itself is amazing – but somehow, she managed to make all of her friends feel that way. She kept up with all of us: commented on our blogs, sent us emails that made us laugh, sympathized with us when our days were bad, genuinely worried over our problems, and well, loved us. Loved us.
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There are not enough words to say how lucky I am to have known her. How lucky I am that our hearts met.

From Linda Shepherd

Circling Her Head
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Through the mysterious connections that are the Internet, I came to know a woman who was dying from cancer and determined that this should be a public journey. One that would be both a cautionary tale and a journal of hope for those who were on their own paths. This unassuming wife and mother, surrounded by death and dying, wrote how she had to live her life with "birds circling her head". There would be an end she knew, and soon. But while she was here, she reached out to the world and wrote unforgettable pieces of prose that became pure poetry of the soul.
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Her name was Renee.
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She shared happy moments, hilarious stories, insightful comments, tender memories and unselfish, ever abiding love for her family. People from all over the world responded to her simple honestly as she faced down the cancer every day with incredible courage, sometimes with humor, sometimes with rage and tears. We became a family.
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The excruciating pain was unremitting. It's reality brought toxic drug cocktails and sleepless nights. She talked about the retching and compared stomach upsets to "bats beating to get out". Her writing was as real as it gets. And then, after a really hard night, she would post beautiful images and speak about the beauty that still surrounded her. We started a private correspondence. "What can I say to get your mind off this ugly cancer for a while", I asked. "Fuck cancer", she said. "Tell me a story."
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And so it began.
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Renee, do you remember that movie with Robin Williams, "What Dreams May Come"?
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Wasn't that about suicide?

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Sure, but it was more about life, I think. He became part of the color of the living world.

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I remember he was trying to get to the tree his wife was painting before she died.

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She painted her own future and her husband walked into it. That's what you do. You paint possibilities with images and your words. And we walk into them.
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Renee's Room was a story about the journals of the mind. A place of beauty and wonder that can be accessed in the imagination, where the mind dwells in loveliness and scent. Renee could travel to these places in the way that all old souls do.

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Renee could fly.

Renee, it sounds like a really bad couple of days. I know you have the drug cocktails. Can you get marijuana in Canada?

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Oh yes, we get marijuana here.

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No shit? I'll be right up!

Renee, have you ever heard of Joseph Campbell?
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No, I don't think so.

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You may have and not have known who the author was. Sometimes you say things that remind me of him. He was a teacher too, of all the interconnections in the human story.

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I love when you talk about what you think is out there.

I want to believe, and I do, but I want to believe more.

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How are your mom and Jacquie doing this week?

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Everyone is okay, so far.

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This is a huge thing that is happening in your family. Three women, one the patriarch, all dying together. Do you ever talk about that? About what that means to who is left behind and what that legacy is?

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We do talk about it. Sometimes we laugh or cry. But it's all real. We have no time for relationships that are not real. We mostly love each other.

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I believe that energy is neither created, nor destroyed. YOU will continue. As Joseph said, you are identified with the energy that is the soul, not the vehicle which is the body.

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Like finds like. We have known each other many times before this.
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The Bushman's Tale was a story about the effortless time travel of old souls who exist in a place where time ceases to have meaning. Only fear prevents us from seeing all there is. They show us the way.

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Renee was a Pathfinder.
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Renee, what's wrong?! Your new blog picture has such a brooding unrest, like a vague threat lurking in the background. And it's so red.
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My mom is dying. All I can do is give her my undivided love and attention. I want to remember everything. I want to be with her all the time, but I can't.

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What else is there that matters besides your love and devotion? Do you have a little memento from her to focus on? Like a lock of her hair? A favorite photo?

I hold her had when I can and tell her I love her.
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This was so like Renee. She was in such pain. It was truly intolerable. Yet, she was the last person she worried about. All that mattered was her mother and her beloved family. Her writing became less frequent and she began to speak mostly in images. Some were unbelievably powerful pictures of her journey, of angels and fairies. Light and color and love appeared more and more often.
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Circling Her Head was a story that spoke to the flight of the soul into dimensions we can only imagine. Her birds became the eagle that soared with her to where stars are born. She was entering a state of transition. She became Changing Woman.

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"Remember to always walk in the pollen path of peace and blessing. Be still within yourself and know that the trail is beautiful."

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Lose your fear. This is the knowledge we have all forgotten, that we are all one being.
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We are Stardust. We are Golden.
We are billion years old carbon.
And we need to get ourselves back to the garden.
(Joni Mitchell)
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Golden Stardust. I like that.
I am happy that our hearts have met.
I am happy that we both care.
I wish you lived next door.
I love you.
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Renee died shortly after this last letter.
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Whenever I need an example of courage and grace under fire, I will say the name Renee.
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Whenever I need an example of selflessness and pure love, I will say the name Renee.

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When I need to say goodbye. I will say "no".
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I'll just say fuck cancer! And then I'll say...

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See you later alligator!

A laughing little wisp of wind will lift m.y hair and I'll hear...

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After while, crocodile!
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I love you too and I'll hold you in my heart until we meet again.
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xoxo right back at you
Love, Linda

From Marie Segal

I first met Renee when I got the “Renee Award”. My friend Cindy from Oops desperate blogger http://oopsdesperateblogger.blogspot.com/ gave it to me. I went and I read about Renee at “Circling my Head”. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. This brought up things that I was not ready to deal with yet.

Let me explain, I had lost too many people to this disease called cancer, my family, my friends, my sister in law and my Mom was diagnosed with it. My mom made though, I am so relieved. I was mad really mad.

I wrestled with how I would tell Cindy that I did not want this award. Thanks anyway!!

I decided to go back and read the blog again. I saw the light that is Renee through my anger. I even commented and at that time I considered myself the unknown blogger. I did not want to become involved.

Renee I believe felt this. She comforted, she cajoled, she came, and visited, she wrote from her heart, and she loved, she played, she talked, she asked questions, she shared, she lived with a passion that I had not seen displayed so openly and freely.

Renee seemed to know when I was not right (she said she was psychic, I thought she was kidding) and she would ask pointed questions. I would tell her everything. I was not embarrassed to tell her things. It was like she kept my feelings in her hands gently and with large, large amounts of respect.

Something inside me shifted deep inside by meeting and knowing Renee, I will never be the same because of her friendship.

The more I thought about her and met people that were close to her the more I knew she did this with everyone she met.

She would weave us together and we are still together today, I love that. It was very real and very exciting and very scary all at the same time. I loved being able to trust someone so much! To know that she cared for me as much as she said she did and it was real. The year that I knew Renee has changed my life forever and I will never be the same ever again and I am so glad!!

Renee I love you so much. I talk to you every day. I know you hear me cause sometimes you answer ;-D

Fly Dear one, fly!

Marie Segal

From Babs

Dear Family, Friends and Readers of Renee,

I am truly honored to be included in a group that Renee called her friends.

I first discovered Renee through reading her comments on KJ's blog. She was so cleverly funny, sincerely kind, and genuine sounding in her appreciation and love of others, that I immediately wanted to know her myself. I clicked on her name to get to her blog and was blown away to discover that she was sick. Very sick. I couldn't believe it, as I'd never have known it by reading her comments to others. Renee was all about others, and not herself.

I was a little dismayed to see she had so many followers, but left a comment anyway, never dreaming she would have the time or interest to visit one more blog. But visit she did. It was never a 'generic' comment she left on my blog, but one that made me know she was actually reading, and knowing me,,,,me personally. I am including a favorite conversation I had with Renee. It's a comment I made on her blog, and her reply to it. It was a post about a fun group forming a virtual "Gypsy Caravan" to travel the world, spreading good cheer. I wanted so badly to join in and be a part of the fun, but didn't feel like I should jump into someone else's dream, uninvited. Maybe I could just follow along from the sidelines and enjoy watching the tour.

My comment:

"On the road again
like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
we're the best of friends, insisting that the world keep turning our way,,,,,"

oh,,,'scuse me, I got caught up in the moment.Willie says he and I can sit in, do a few sets in your Caravan Show if you're needin any more entertainers.

January 27, 2010 11:43 PM

And Renee's reply:

Oh darling you must join and you are gypsy 24. You and Willie can sing even that same song everyday if you both don't know any others.

Love you darling Babs.

Renee xoxo

January 28, 2010 6:24 AM

To me, this is the essence of Renee. To include all in her circle of love. To love when she didn't feel like it. To have fun and be witty while in such pain. To attend to others needs. Her grace and strength always shining.

I am so proud to be able to say that I know Renee, and I am her friend. I think of her daily and watch for her in all things beautiful in this world. Till we meet again Dear Renee,,,I will quote you: "Thanks for the priviledge".

Babs

Oklahoma, USA

From nollyposh

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It has taken me a long time to write these words about our Dearest Renee...
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Because her passing touched me in a place so deep within,
that it was too painful a process for my Heart..
For her passing into Spirit from my Life created a big hole...
and that was where for a time, that i fell... on my knees, deep into the darkness of loss...
Where my tears fell and my fears grew and my Heart broke and shattered like glass...
Our Dearest Renee was *gone*
And if the vibrant, the talented,
the completely Loved Renee could
~Disappear~
Then perhaps so could i too
in the blink of an eye...
My fears shouted this to me at night and whispered to me in my daylight hours
in the days, in the Lifetime since her death...
In this place that i fell, where even the brightest Sun could not reach into the depths of my darkness...
She had cancer and so once did i, so where were the differences between us? i wondered
And if she could not find her way through the darkness...
Then were we so different to each other?
So what did my Dearest Renee, my teacher, My~self, do?
She but took me by the hand and lead me down through the tunnels of my Fears
she went knowingly with me, with her eyes wide open and armed and ready like a soldier...
And like an avenging Angel she showed me how to fight the demons of my darkest places
and she did so with such vitality and bravery that it took my breath away...
She was sliced and bruised and bled by her monsters and yet she fought on
as i helplessly watched on with only my tears as a salve for her jagged cuts...
But did she fall? Never for she made her fears, her strengths, as only an Angel can
and she knitted them into a shawl, to keep her warm, and so when the voices tried to visit her in the darkness
she simply pulled her shawl closer like a shield... For she knew the thread was strong
because it was created from the Love of her Family and Friends and her Bloggy sista's in the Worlde Beyond
My sista, my Friend, Our Renee was and still is, i Believe, an Angel
who through teaching us how to die with Dignity
taught us All how to Live in Love
For that is All there is
~Love~
...and MY Renee taught me that

From Cinda Rae Oliverio

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"Oh My God you have to make more videos.
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If You could have seen my face you would be laughing your head off, I'm smiling like a cheschire cat.

Your beautiful and you have the nicest voice I have ever heard.
Love Renee xoxoxo"
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YES! Renee was our "Biggest Fan, our Cheerleader!!! I miss her so! Sometimes her comment would be the only one for that day!on my Blog! I was always GLAD to see her stop by and visit! This comment was from the first video I ever made of myself! It was December 1 on my Blog. See the Big ROSE card in back? This is from her December 9th comment saying she would send my Cro collage card to someone special! Did anyone get it?!!
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The other cards are ones she sent to me! The angel tile is how we met! It was the week of Vanessa's( A Fanciful Twist) TEA PARTY and Renee won the Angel tile!
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http://turquoisecro.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

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Renee sent me an angel too! Did she know we would become breast cancer sisters?! I had my first chemo the day before Renee died! I heard the bell tower and every time I did, I thought of sweet Renee!!and her bats! She sent the sweetest cards! I LOVE YOU RENEE and YOU and your family will always be in my prayers! YOU know how much I miss YOU SWEET WOMAN!

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Cinda Rae Oliverio aka CROTurquoise CRO Thyme

From Angela Recada

Renee showed me so many things, both through her example and through her wonderful way with words.

She showed me that it is fine to remember the past – but not to dwell there.

She showed me that is good to look to the future – but that there are no guarantees.

Most importantly, she showed me that it is best of all to appreciate and to live, as fully as possible, each day we are given – because it's all we really have.

She made me want to be a better person, and to follow my dreams.

I feel so blessed to know her, especially during the last year of her life.

Each one of her blog posts is a gift to anyone who comes across them. And they are a treasure to all of us whom she called her friends. But I really see each of these posts as a precious love letter to her family. Whether she was writing about her memories, her funny family stories, her tributes to her beloved family members, or her love of learning or reading or art or music or food or Christmas, she was giving those dearest to her a little piece of herself. These were the things that were important to her, and she knew she wouldn't live to say many of them to her dear, dear family when they would need to hear them.

I was just lucky enough to be able to read them and learn from them, too.
Renee's life was much too short, but the impact she had on me, and on many others, is huge. She showed me that, when all is said and done, LOVE is all that matters. And she was LOVE.

Renee gave me many things, and I will keep them, and her, in my heart forever. I only hope I gave her a fraction of what she gave me.
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Love Angela

From Jackie

“Jackie I love you and the connection was there for us right from the
beginning. Right from the start we recognized each other and I am happy
that we did.”
Love Renee xoxo
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I first discovered Renee through Art. I was blog hopping and her banner came up in an image search .

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I arrived on a post however that talked about her cancer. I remember reading through the posts and I felt compelled to leave a comment. I had an Aunt who had passed away from breast cancer and I recognized Renee’s struggle. I wasn’t expecting the Impact that Renee would have on me . Renee could touch you in such a deep raw way. Her words had impact that often left me silent. In my first comment on her blog I wrote that “I wish that my Aunt and I had talked less about cancer” to which Renee responded that she had never heard that before. I explained that I felt that Cancer robbed my aunt and I from our precancer conversations.

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You see, after cancer your conversations are changed forever . You are always looking beyond the surface . You become a sleuth. You listen, you watch.You are in search of the unspoken. I was always amazed at the strength my aunt had and that same strength was there in Renee. Renee gave a voice to cancer . She gave a voice to her sisters in cancer. I cried along as each one was “Welcomed Home."

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In one post Renee talked about her need to tell her story so that she wasn’t forgotten .Anyone who knew Renee must have been amazed that she could even consider this. You could not forget
Renee.

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Renee saw in each of us our vulnerabilities and she reached out and touched that part of you . She watered it with loving comments and encouraged you to grow. Like a mother who tells each of you in secret that you are her favorite child and after she is gone you realize that she loved you all equally.She had the ability to make you feel special.
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From Renee I learned that what we say matters and how we interact with others makes a difference. A kind comment on someone’s blog is important. I realized the deep impact Renee had on me when her voice went silent. It was a silence that left a heavy void deep within. I knew
the silence meant that she would soon say “Goodbye."

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I also knew that I was lucky to have known her and that I would carry a piece of her with me always. She is present in me. I hear her voice encouraging me when I struggle with my art and I encourage my “sisters “in art just as Renee encouraged me. Renee was a beautiful piece of Art and with the most vibrant shade of love she painted the words “Renee was here."

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I love you Renee…xoxo

Jackie

From Julie

(original link: http://geishaschooldropout.typepad.com/geisha_school_dropout/2010/03/into-the-sun.html)

"For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun…." --Kahlil Gibran

Regular readers of my blog will recognize her name: my friend Renee Khan, who fought Inflammatory Breast Cancer for 4 years, has passed away. Her family posted her obituary (and her last words) on her blog, Circling My Head. I can't express how much I love this woman, a woman whom I never met in person, but who touched my heart and thousands more with her humor and compassion. I miss her and can only imagine how much her family misses her.

One thing Renee was excellent at was making you feel like the most interesting writer and friend on the planet. She read and commented here faithfully, remembering all sorts of details about the kids, even sending them books...Mr. Happy for Isaac and Little Miss Stubborn for Emi. But get this: she didn't just do this for me. She was this active a friend to hundreds of people. Here is just a tiny sampling of the daily notes she wrote to me:

You must know that I think you are exactly perfect. You are my total cup of tea. Love Renee xoxox

Dear friend, yes to being better when people are alone or afraid. Especially you, who are so full of life and such a pleasure to know. Love Renee xoxo

Julie this is what happens when you know who you are. You don't let people change your children. xoxoxo

Julie, you don't know how much I wish you lived next door to me. I don't see why your best friend couldn't be a 53 year old woman who is totally crazy about you and your family and thinks you are the funniest person in the world. Love Renee xoxo

I will obey her commands :) and will be looking for pieces of her around me. Come find me, Renee! If you found me through the maze of the Internet, your spirit can find me waiting for you in California. I love you.

From Chrisy

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'Flying With Renee' is an original embroidery on vintage linen sewn to represent the precious moments I shared with Renee. When she was unwell, Renee and I would take little trips together. Planned ahead of time, and undertaken simultaneously on both sides of this earth, Renee and I would close our eyes and reach out to each other. Sometimes, holding hands we'd rise together and fly. Light as feathers and bubbling with laughter, over the cities, over the mountains, over the seas we’d fly. There was no pain. There was no sadness. Just pure joy. And I'd look across at her and know that she was part of me, and I a part of her. We were one. The way we all are. When the trip ended that pure joy lingered. It’s still there. In the blink of an eye I am with you my precious girl, flying.

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From BT

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I am writing of my experience of that very special and beautiful lady Renee. The first comment I have on my blog from Renee was on 5th March 2009. By the time she died, I felt I had know her all my life. She always came across as caring, loving and having a wicked sense of humour.
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Renee used to blog alphabetically about dreams and their interpretation. I have some weird and wonderful dreams and commented about this once. Quick as a flash, Renee emailed me with her thoughts on my dream:
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Renee has left a new comment on your post "27th April 09, The Sun Shines on and Off":
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BT your garden is such a joy to be able to come and visit.
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Boy that dream you had....
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BT when you see someone being tortured in a dream would suggest that you are punishing yourself for negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the other person being tortured. It usually indicates repressed feelings that you can’t let out. The third especially placed in the chest symbolized inner vision and instinct. The two together are telling you that you can see what others cannot and you need to look within as the eye is in the chest to learn to trust your instincts. Forget the head and think of the heart.
.
That will be five cents.
.
Love Renee xoxox
.
Don't you just love that last comment? 'That will be five cents' lol.
.
Only once or twice did she ever mention her illness. I also asked about her faith and she was so open and candid. April 10th she said:
,
With faith, I have it and then I don't and then I have it again. It does give me comfort.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
Happy Easter
.
Always thinking of others, it was hard to remember all she was going through in terms of her suffering. Just once she wrote:

.
On the 23rd April:
.
BT even though you show us tons of pictures of your garden, I always want more.
.
Stable is good because with stage 4 it will only get worse.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
As I re-read her comments, I am smiling. Renee liked to make you smile and was giving in every way. On one comment she added:
.
Renee has left a new comment on your post "General Catch Up - Sunday, 29th March, 2009":
.
BT the garden is divine and the little baby with your husband is so adorable.
.
I have to tell you I can't exactly remember the comment you made on Ces's blog the other day, but I laughed my head off.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
I can just imagine her throwing her head back and laughing! She had a special relationship with so many but particularly Ces and Bella Sinclair. I used to love reading the comments on Ces's blog between the three of them. It would have made a great situation comedy, just the three of them chatting away and falling about laughing.
.
One of my favourite comments from Renee shows how freely she gave of herself:
.
Renee has left a new comment on your post "Flower and Fern Mania, 28th April 2009":
.
So darling BT does that stand for black tulips?
.
Amazing and unique just like a certain BT I have come to know and love.
.
xoxo
.
Renee never wrote 'lol' but instead had her own unique expression of laughter:
.
Renee has left a new comment on your post "30th April 2009 All Alone Am I....":
.
I laughed at your 'a real BT nightmare' har har
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
As I read this now, it still makes me laugh.
.
One day, Renee used one of my photos to illustrate her dream letter:
.
Renee has left a new comment on your post "Doorus Panorama, Gardening, Photos 1st may 2009":
.
No need to feel silly little goose.
.
BT you know how I do the dreams sponsored by a letter, well this time it is a T and I took some of your black tulip pictures a few days ago for it, but I hope it is okay I am going to use your picture of this black tulip from today's post. xoxoxo
.
I was so thrilled and honoured. I once asked what people liked (or didn't) about my blog and she said it was me, of course (!) but mostly the flowers. I am so glad I was able to give the special lady some small pleasure in blogland.
.
I will just add one more dream interpretation from Renee or this will turn into 'War and Peace'!
.
Renee has left a new comment on your post "May 6th, 2009. More Wind! News from Oz and UK":
.
I love the panoramas.
.
Thanks for letting me use your tulip -- did you recognize it?
.
Your dream:
.
To dream of being with someone who is gay and that person is rejecting your advances means that you are rejecting a masculine quality of your own. You may be rejecting a characteristic you think unworthy of yourself.
.
To see an explosion signifies repressed anger. Your unconscious is trying to get your attention. .
Put the two together and it would signify a need of acceptance of you as a whole person. Both feminine and masculine qualities are to be embraced. Example if you are a good business person that is considered masculine, a good farmer, again masculine.
.
Self acceptance is something that you need to deal with because it repeats it self in cycles. As in every few months, years, etc. you get angry at yourself for things you feel, but also feel you should be above.
.
There is a need to accept your whole self.
.
That will be 5 pennies.
.
Love me, your friend the amateur dream therapist.
.
xoxoxo
.
Her prices varied!!
.
It is difficult to explain what a void Renee's death has left in my heart. I guess, like many her blogland friends, I knew Renee was terminally ill but hid that thought away. I still find it hard to think she will never leave another comment for me or tell me she loves me.
.
I am just thrilled to have known you Renee, angel in Blogland.
.
With love
.
Gina (Deen)
BT - The Crafty Gardener.

From Sonia

.
Renee....
.
Today and for a little while I have been lost for words about you. I know you have paid a visit as corney as that may sound to some. But I really miss you, our talks and chats. You were the first person in my life to make such a impact on me. Your strength, humor, love, compassion, and humanity inspired me and helped me through two tough time. You know what they are and I could never repay you for them. You impacted my daughter Sheeanna also. How she loved you and still does. We started the WWRD slogan when we are having a bad day.
.
Here is an excerpt of the bond between you and her....
.
Sheeanna you are such a kook. And I love my kooks. Did you know I have two girl kooks and one boy kook. And now I have you. So that totals three girl kooks: Angelique, Nadalene, and Sheanna and one boy kook: Nathan.

You can absolutely have a picture of me. I just need to download the camera. I have some picture on here somewhere but I think they were when my hair was growing back in.

I will dig for more.

Hold on while I try to find one.

Sheeanna you are so sweet to say the things that you do. Personally I do not see how anyone could not be amazing to you. You have the best personality and you are beautiful looking and you paint like a dream. You are going to be a well known artist one day, I know it, so never quit.

No need to ever tell anyone about me. We are just loving each other and that is all that matters.

Now remember these are just for you and of course your Mom. I do not put my pictures out but because they were for you. Your getting them. See how much I love you. I can't remember what I have sent here and it is way too many. Please notice my gorgeous little granddaughter Josephine.

Love Renee xoxoxo
.
Oh how you impacted her spirit. I don't think you ever knew how you touched people, and if you did well girl you have a good poker face. Your advice and wonderful jokes and humor always had me coming back for more. I trusted you like no other. I for the first time had a true FRIEND.
.
I realize as a I write this it was exactly a year ago we became friends on your birthday. I went to my friend Sarah's blog and she wrote about you. I went to say Happy Birthday, and the rest is history. From that day forward everyday if not two or three times a day we laughed and emailed and just connected.
.
It was very easy to love you, and I will always love you Lovey. My pet name for you "Lovey" because you were always giving unconditional love to everyone you knew.
.
You always made me feel loved and special. Thank you my dearest friend.
.
I love you so much and how real you are. You would fit in like a glove with my family.
.
Tell Sheeanna, I know, but a girl could hope.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
I love you Sonia and I think that you are incredible. You are a very dear friend to me and I hope you know that.
.
By the way I like your house on blogland; did you see mine, if not walk over I am just at 9 3/4. .
Please turn around and give Sheeanna a kiss.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
I love you Lovey, and thank the gods above everyday for you being a part of my life then, now and always.
.
Happy Birthday Lovey

From Sue

We are all unique and special in our own way, however, rarely we are fortunate to meet someone that has that undefinable quality that elevates them head and shoulders above everyone else. Renee was just such a person. Renee was so multi-faceted. She was courageous, selfless, funny, thoughtful, loving, down-to-earth, honest, seemingly tireless, genuinely interested in everyone and so much more. In the world of blogging, Renee posted once on your blog and you immediately felt you had met a friend for life. What an impact this incredible woman had on so many!
.
I wasn't sure how to define Renee in words. She touched me in so many ways, and often it was by not saying all that much but in the way she said it. Her blog entries were so honest. Often spiced with humour, sometimes poignant and/or angry, but always riveting and always made you feel like she was speaking to you alone over a cup of tea.
.
I went back through some of my blog entries and pulled some of Renee's comments that illustrate just a couple of her wonderful characteristics.
.
1. This was the very last time Renee posted on my blog. It was for my OWOH giveaway of a doll. She posted twice and shows her very dry wit:
.
Renee said,,,,..Oh my God I don't see anything at all wrong with cheating and I think you should just say I won.
.
Sue she is adorable.
.
xoxo

.
January 25, 2010 9:06 PM

Reneesaid...Love you and she is amazing. But I realize there will be no rigging AFTER ALL we are Canadian.
.
xoxox
.
January 26, 2010 2:45 PM
.
2. This was in response to a post of some WIPs of my Kindreds. The one she is referencing, I wish I just had sent to Renee.
.
I'm happy though that this particular piece now lives with her friend Pattee.
.
Renee said...They look wonderful Sue. The little one to the furthest right isamazing already. So much personality and looks kind of like it is praying in a very hopeful way.
.
xoxox
.
January 16, 2010 3:40 AM
.
3. A post I did on antique and vintage fur (this was around the time she first started mentioning her 'bats'. I love the "har har"):
.
Renee said...I love fur so maybe I deserve bats. har har
.
But I do love fur.
.
Thank you for being my dear and caring friend.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
4, A post I did showing some of the gifts that my two girls had given me (some handcrafted). Renee was so empathic.
.
Renee said...Did you ever score, what Nicole made is amazing.

I am a book crazy fanatic too.
.
Poor Nicole I got neuropathy from chemo and it is horrible.
.
It is not easy I'm sure for her. And for you either Mama because we hate our kids to be sick.
.
Love Renee xoxoxo
.
5. In October of last year, my daughter Nicole started a blog - I posted a painting she did and supplied a link. Showing the interest she had in everything and everybody....
.
Renee said...I am going to see her now. Don't even tell me that this is one of her paintings. Oh my God.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
6. The following are a couple from my daughter's blog, (which Nicole sadly due to time constraints did not keep up) shows just how considerate, caring and supportive she was to others - even on first "meeting":
.
Renee said...Just incredible paintings Nicole.
.
I love the picture of the gravesite and your profile picture is amazing.
.
You are incredible.
.
Love Renee xoxo
.
Renee said...Nicole I am totally blown away. I came here because of your Mom but Iam staying because of you.
.
Your mother is a beautiful woman who is so proud of her girls and so full of life that I know it will be a real pleasure to be here to know more of you.
.
Renee xoxo
.
Just a few very random examples that may show a little glimpse of this amazing woman's personality. Whenever I posted a blog, I looked for a response from Renee. Just a couple of words from her with that "Love Renee xoxo" would make my day!
.
Please use whatever you want from this email that you think will contribute to Renee's Book of Love.
.
Gosh, I miss her.
.
xoxo
.
Sue

From Jacinta (One Little Acorn)

My brother died of kidney cancer in December 2008 and Renee contacted
me a month or so before his death, having read my posts at the time
and we became instant friends. It was early days in her blogging life,
and yet the way she connected and stayed in touch, it was clear she
was someone special. Renee was such an amazing light and a lovely
friend.

At the time (and since), Renee and I exchanged emails and cards and
she was such an incredible support. She truly helped me survive the
grief and sadness of the loss of my beautiful brother. I still grieve,
and I still miss my him to this day (and forever) but she really did
make a difference to my life. She understood and she listened and she
responded with honesty and sensitivity. And her warmth embraced me as
if she were right beside me.

She shared her joys and her pain and distress and her love with such
an open heart. She opened her life to us, and it was impossible not to
be touched and learn from her.

How she ever found the energy to email, write, post and comment on
everyone's blogs??? Well, she was just totally amazing and certainly
full of surprises.

I loved her dearly and I will miss her. Her family and her friends
(blogging and others) are a tribute to the beautiful person she was.
Her family were obviously her biggest loves. Her proudest
achievements. Her life. And I feel and share their deep sadness at her
loss.

Regards to you,
Jacinta

From Gloria

I met Renee a little after she first started her blog.
She right away became my friend. When I read her
story and realized what she was going through, I was
immediately drawn to her. She knew that I had
the greatest loss a mother could have and that
was the loss of my son. She was always there when
I needed a shoulder and always offered words of comfort.
She truly loved people and never found fault with anyone.
I will always think of Renee and of the words of comfort
and joy that she offered me. There was a time when she was
having a really bad day and I sent a friend over to pray
for her and how appreciative she was. Well my friend also
became her friend and that's the way it was. Everyone
loved Renee and always will. I copied some of the comments
that Renee left on my blog and just wanted to share them.
I miss you Renee, I will always be thinking of you.

A Few Thoughtful Words From My Friend

.
Renee said...
Gloria: I feel the pain. I am sorry for it.Things,
if their big enough, change who we are. We can still
try to be the best people we can be at any given moment.
I think you are a beautiful person.Love Renee
December 15, 2008 1:35 PM

Renee said...
I love your Gloria.I tried to get on your new
site but it won't let me.Love Renee oxooo
November 23, 2009 11:53 AM

Renee said...
Happy thanksgiving darling.xoxo
November 26, 2009 9:06 AM

Renee said...
Gloria the header is fantastic and you
seriously have to be the most hard working
woman I know.Love Renee xoxo
December 4, 2009 8:32 PM

Renee said...
I am coming to crash for New Years
is that okay.xoxoxo December 28, 2009 8:45 AM

Renee said...
Happy New Year dear friend.xxooxoxox
January 1, 2010 5:09 PM

Renee said...
I'm starving and that looks good.xoxoxo
January 3, 2010 6:18 AM

Renee said...
Oh Gloria, amazing. way to go dear friend.
Oh the number of nuns I have had in my life
with Catholic school. They were all good.xoxox
January 15, 2010 6:05 AM

Rest in peace my friend. Love, Gloria Viorge

From Annie Coe (Blissful Bohemian)

Dear Renee and Family,
.
There are no words that can convey how Renee touched my life.
.
I loved her from the very first time I landed on her blog and from the very first comment, I knew we were soul sisters. Here is a list of what Renee taught me:
.
1. How to love more.
2. To be happy no matter what (this is something I have been working
on and Renee helped).
3. To laugh more.
4. To appreciate my loved ones, each and every day.
5. To be grateful.
6. To live in the moment.
7. And last but not least, never put my shoes on a table :-).
.
I can’t imagine how much you all must miss her, but I believe she is flying high and happy.
.
And she is no longer in pain.
.
She watches over all of us and I will never see another Raven without thinking of Renee. She was an angel in the blog world and she touched so many of us with her kindness and love, she knew how to make each and every one of us feel special and loved.
.
I love and miss her and hope perhaps she will pay a visit to me from time to time.
.

I am so grateful to have known her, she will remain in my heart forever until we meet again.
.
Blessings and love,
.
Annie Coe

From Tessa Edwards

It was in so many ways that Renee’s life enriched ours. I thank her for her love and friendship, for her intelligence and poise, for her vibrant irreverence and wit – and especially for her courage which was an inspiration to us all. Renee was, and will always remain a legend. She had - and still has, of that I am certain - a truly beautiful soul.

From Julie-ann Bowden

Renee, my dearest and most constant friend,
.
In the beginning of our friendship, she wrote me beautiful messages of how she loved my art. I would visit in return to read the posts she so caringly and wittingly wrote. Renee shared every part of herself and life.
.
Love for her beautiful family.
.
Struggles with breast cancer. Sharing funny picture's, such as women in ironic fun situations. Renee would write the whole stories behind these pictures. I didn't quite get them to begin with and Renee would write to me, how much she laughed that I took the stories in.
.
This would set me off laughing also.
.
My mum and I would have dreams we didn't understand and Renee would give us the interpretations with extra love wishes to my mum.
.
Renee became our friend.
.
No matter what she was going through, she reached out and gave of her true love and time.
.
She made us feel special, like we we're angels. Writing to say these very words.
I knew Renee is our beautiful angel!
.
It was an honor to know her.
.
Thank you Renee, you are so dear to me and I will never forget you.
.
Hoping one day we could fly around the skies and in the sunshine as sweet little angels.
.
Loads of hugs and love to Renee and her beautiful family.
.
Julie

From Lori (lori times five)

Renee took away my self consciousness (most of it!) and helped me to say I LOVE you. She helped me to learn to listen and pay attention to not what the words were saying, but the heart. i knew she always heard me. i miss her.

From Jos (Jay Cee)

How do you summarize a person?? Well of course it can't be done. But since you were so generous to offer the chance to contribute a few paragraphs I have tried to condense a snapshot of Renees impact upon me. So inadequate, but then ... what could possibly suffice?? I have tried, but it's crap ... it's nowhere near. But even so.
.
Thank you so much for doing this. Sorry .... we in England are not so great about expressing ourselves ... stiff upper lip and all that. I love Renee. It sounds so simple and yet for someone English it means so much.
.
So I hope you understand when I cut & paste it here...
.
It was in late Spring 2009 that I first “met” Renee online. It soon became a regular feature of my day to exchange messages with her. Funny really … it feels like I’ve known her for such a short time and yet also like she’s been a part of my life for ages and ages. Some people are like that I guess … so comfortable … but not many, at least not many I’ve come across. Of course Renee had a peculiar knack of making pretty much anyone she came across feel like a special friend. It always struck me how very intuitive she was, always finding that “just right” thing to say … in turns supportive, positive, cajoling, comforting, humorous, bawdy, gentle, uplifting … all these things but also very real at the same time. How lucky I am that our paths crossed at all.
.
It was only as I read back through her blog archive that I became aware of the enormity of the battles she’d already fought with the demon cancer. We hardly ever talked about it although once in a while she’d be having a particularly shitty day with the pain and tell me how things were going on that front. What she talked of more was the deeper pain she felt at having to leave her family behind when the time came. It seemed as if this hurt her more than the cancer itself. Even so she often affirmed her belief in life in the hereafter. She’d seen Sheldon there with her dad … on a beach, looking out to sea. She’d seen them and believed she’d be joining them quite soon. She said so, and the simplicity of that belief in the face of such hard times was something I still find awe inspiring. Such faith deserves reward and so I pray that Renee is revelling in being with her many family and friends in eternity. oI hpe to see her there myself one day.
.
I have a fridge magnet that Renee sent me last year. It’s at eye level right near the handle so I can see it every time I’m there in my kitchen. It reminds me that there are in life some rare people who just waltz straight into your heart and take up residence there for all time … people who believe in you despite little evidence that they should do so .... and just come right out and say so. Somehow that kind of faith is contagious and so it is that they help to restore a measure of faith in ourselves, and in others too. And I suppose that is part of the lasting gift she has left me. Whenever I write a message nowadays and I want to joke around I write har har har … it’s such a small thing and yet it makes me smile and think of Renee ... so that’s it. I love you Renee, always. See you on that day.
.
xx
Jos (Jay Cee)

From Vicki Holdwick

I first "met" Renee when I happened upon her blog post entitled "Regarding Wahid" in late November. I was so touched by her writing style and her honesty and had no idea the bats were already driving her mad.

I left a comment and then she began to visit my blog and leave very nice comments. We both are from large families and my Mom who is 85 came to stay with me and she gave me lots of advice about enjoying the visit and living in the moment instead of worrying about what might be.

We exchanged only about a dozen notes, but I felt closely connected to her. The last one I received was the one in which she told me I could be gypsy number 9.

I probably didn't know Renee as well as many of the people contributing to this book, but I really felt connected because of the kind of person she was. I miss her terribly.

Xoxo vicki

Farewell Sweetheart, From Clarity

It's 10pm in London, returned from a marathon writing session. The whole day, the sense of something tangible, something missing followed me. Just wanted to be indoors. I ate little, what little I touched lacked taste. I prayed, found some peace in that. I wrote some more. Then, looked at missed blogs.
.
It's 10pm in London and dear Renee, a person of incredible warmth and goodness of the blog "Circling My Head" is.. not here. Her cancer, telling title is her blog's name, had deteriorated quickly. Her warmth and strength are needed elsewhere, she is dead.
.
Renee, today I wrote, after a long time of my brush with the dreaded tumour; the lease and breath of new life that came when they removed it. Today I found, you, missing. I know Renee was here for a short while. I can't tell you how much she means to me. I want to post her picture and I can't.
.
I don't always let people deeply into my heart; give - yes, receive? carefully. Except when I come across genuine and kind people, it is very easy to love them. I don't know the romance of that emotion, but with family and friends, it is there and means much. Renee was an instant, loving and sincere friend - certainly not something I expected when I started to write this blog. I did not expect her familiar love, her endearingly sweet emails, her glowing trust, encouragement, understanding of vulnerability and unexplained delight in knowing my real name. I did not expect a complex, amazing, ballsy, (sometimes potty-mouthed) funny and shatteringly good person. Renee did everything her own way and answered to nobody. She grew up Catholic, married her Muslim husband in their "unique" 1975 wedding and together they built an amazing bond and family. She suffered with cancer, sometimes in silence, sometimes with a primal cry for help and we came running, because that's what people who love her do.
.
I am crying Renee, but it is because I knew you, not because I lost you.
.
I am grateful to her darling daughter for sharing all the news with us at this sad time. My heart is with Angelique, her father and family. I am grateful for Renee's open heart, searing mind and soul. God I hope I see you in heaven, RK; you deserve peace after all this pain. You deserve every drop of goodness you brought to this world. I am not mythologising Renee, she chose goodness; the simple undiluted kind every day.
.
I love you.
.
Peace be with Renee,
.
Your friend,
x

From Robin

2009 was, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. I lost my job and more importantly, the man I loved for 16 years. I was lost, hurting and in state of shock and unending pain for most of the year. I felt alone and lost. My heart was broken.
.
Annie, my oldest friend, began to tell me about an amazing blogging friend of hers - Renee.
.
I am not a blogger, but I was curious, so I sought out her blog and began to read. I was immediately caught up in the spell of Renee's magic.....her wit, her strength and her ability to love. I had to leave comments. Renee answered. Although I didn't talk much about my own heartache, she saw through my words, felt my despair and reached out to me. Despite her own pain and fear of losing her Mother and her sister - she gave her strength, encouragement and love to me. She helped me to "stand tall" and to live again. She taught me so much in the space of a few months. She showed me how to say "I Love You" again.
I will never, never forget her.
.
I would like to give you some beautiful words from one of my favourite poets - Rainer Maria Wilke. They are words that Renee understood and that we all need to learn. I hope they provide some comfort to you.
.
"We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it."
.
God Bless You All.
.
Love,
.
♥ Robin Lamb ♥